my daily reflections…

when i came into the rooms i knew alcohol had whooped my ass. i had lost everythin i had ever loved and worked for. and yet, deep within, i had this lurkin notion that i didnt know if this thing we do would work for me. to say i was scared would be a total understatement, i was terrified. i could feel within the despair and hopelessness. but to say i had been defeated, i wasnt quite there yet. with moments of clarity, not filled with self, i felt i had done all i could to try to outsmart my drinkin. but then, here again, when i went to overthinkin, i felt like if i had just done this instead of that, or did that instead of this, i might be able to drink again. if ya think i didnt think recovery would teach me how to drink successfully, ya are wrong, cause i did have those thoughts. hell, i even told my sponsor on our first meetin that all i needed was to have him teach me how to drink without causin the shit storm of chaos that stirred the tornado that had become my life. well, lemme tell ya bout that smart ass sponsor i picked. he had the nerve to tell me that if thats what i wanted from recovery, id have to find someone else to be my sponsor. so, as we sat on the front porch of the halfway house i was stayin at, that evenin, we got into the big book. he articulated that if i wanted to drink again to go out and do it, but if i didnt want to drink again, he would show me a way that worked for him. what he did was helped me to see that the alcoholism i had developed through years of selfishness had caused the defeat of my life. he helped me understand that when i could place that defeat into my life i then had an opportunity to change my outcome. i was able to tap into the programs useful resources once i was able to begin to understand the scope of my alcoholism. i needed to become content with what my HP was tellin me through my sponsor. my miracle is that i now believe in me. i accept my alcoholism and do not resist or deny it. i am still learnin more about me as i continue to grow as long as i remain honest with myself about the things i dont know; i get to continue to learn. ive discovered the key to good livin. 1 day @ a time...