my daily reflections…

learnin how to surrender, tolerate, accept, and love myself took time in my early recovery. i was so pissed bout the stuff i had done, and i knew, as my newly sober life drug on, just who was to blame for the things that happened. here i was, sober, knowin i was to blame, lookin for a way out of the pain i felt so deep within. i couldnt even begin to think about tryin to forgive myself back then. i had to find a way to help me get over all the emotional trauma i had put myself through. learnin to keep my big fat mouth shut was the beginnin of the battle toward tolerance. i reckon i had done the 1st part or was workin toward surrender just enterin the halfway house i was livin in, but tolerance, like i said, keepin my mouth shut was the beginnin of tryin to tolerate anythin, especially myself. i had heard in the rooms from those who had come in before me and had found surrender, tolerance, acceptance, and self-love, that they were able to do each of those, actions, by exercisin them toward themselves first, then they were able to give each to others. so, thats what i did, tried to practice each on me. lettin loose the anger and hate i had for myself was also key to gainin the concept of tolerance; there is where i needed the relationship i have with my HP today, but then again, even that took time. time has an amazin ability to help sooth emotional trauma ive found. nothin happens all at once and tolerance certainly took patience. as those spiritual principles came, as i learned how to apply them to me, i began to understand how to practice them with others. as love for me grew, so did tolerance and love for others. learnin how to let loose of intolerance, catchin myself tryin to organize the world, i remember where the "perfect" yesterdays got me, and i laugh out loud. its all part of respectin myself, acceptin my imperfections, and learnin to live with em. i get to live the adventure of life, addin to the experience of it because of tolerance; every situation as a blessin. i may want other experiences, but Gods love guarantees ill get what i need. all i have feared to lose i have gained and all i feared to gain i have lost. ive learned with tolerance that the fears i had in my early recovery, and still today, are darkrooms for developin negatives. 1 day @ a time...