my daily reflections…

trust of others, even more so with self, had me in fear of exploration in the latter days of doin my dirt. i had been shut off from friends, family was beginnin to exclude me, and i had even begun withdrawin from life itself. it says in the big book on page 8, “no words can tell of the loneliness and despair i found in that bitter morass of self-pity. quicksand stretched around me in all directions.” it again says on page 152, “then he will know loneliness such as few do. he will be at the jumping-off place. he will wish for the end.” as each of these sentences took place in my life as my drinkin progressed, i could feel the torture of loneliness shroud me like a heavy wet, cold, blanket. the feelin that i didnt quite belong had sunk in and i closed others out. they didnt understand, how could they? even when i tried to explain it, i sounded like a crazy man. like someone who needed to be locked away in a psych ward. the best thing for me to do was to just shut up and accept my lot. even in my early recovery i had to try to trust others, i had to try to trust myself. i couldnt. listenin to others in the rooms and then later my sponsor, i began to feel that there were others like me. people who had felt that same loneliness, they understood, they got it mannn. on page 151, the big book says, “as we became subjects of king alcohol, shivering denizens of his mad realm, the chilling vapor that is loneliness settled down. it thickened, ever becoming blacker.” i could hear those in the rooms and my sponsor express those two prior sentences in their own way, ways that made sense to me. on page 89, the big book says, “to watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow up about you, to have a host of friends-this is an experience you must not miss.” as i listened and began to understand their story, the prior sentence began to materialize in my life. it was a start to overcomin loneliness. there were twists and turns, but today, though i may still experience loneliness, it is nothin like it was then. today, i have a solution to the pollution of loneliness. i dont live in that problem for long, i use the spiritual awareness i have grown and continue to develop, to live beyond it, into the light. 1 day @ a time...