my daily reflections…

i always thought love was somethin material i could get from others. i had no concept of givin it, only gettin it. and the whole idea of love eluded me for most of my life. i think the times i may have cried at funerals, or times i may have missed someone, were the emotion of love, but then again, thats as far as it may have went. if i did somethin for somebody else, i expected somethin in return. even when it was an emotional response, it still wasnt what i wanted. i wanted somethin material, money, just somethin, anythin. when i would hear someone say that they loved me, i would cringe within because i had the idea that they wanted somethin from me, ya know, just like me. i didnt know that love was somethin that i was posed to give, and action and emotion that would take the place of the material i wanted. recovery taught me how fucked up i had lived and how fucked up my thoughts of love were. i learned that love was somethin i was to give without any want for anythin in return. nothin. i learned that when i did somethin for another, i was to do it and then be happy that i did it. takin nothin from them, just givin of self. love wasnt judgmental. love wasnt jealousy. love wasnt harmin another, but helpin them, even if it cost me somethin material. love was carin about myself. love was the ability to let go of ego. love was the honest attempt and action of humility. it was somethin i had to learn to do. and it all started with step 1. love was honesty, it was self-honesty, and honesty with others. when i truly began to love myself i was able to learn how to not be so angry at myself for not bein perfect. i was able to surrender to my humanness, i began to tolerate when i made mistakes, and i was able to accept that ima fuck up sometimes. with all of this and much more, i could learn to give these things to others. then accept the love they had to give for its genuine authenticity. today love means freedom to me. it is respect for others and their opinions. it is the ability to share the joy i have in my heart with the simple action of a natural smile. it is the action of gratitude and the emotion of thankfulness. when i surrender, i get to experience love. love is my ability to endure and persevere in weakness and in strength, providin happiness and peace of mind for another. 1 day @ a time...