my daily reflections…

it has been my experience that in order for me to be good for anythin or anybody else i must be good for myself. what good can i offer another, if i cannot offer good for myself? early in my recovery, i wanted everythin back that i had lost as a result of the consequences of my alcoholism. after consultation with my sponsor and breakin the habit of my spiritual malady i began to understand that the time i was in the halfway house was meant to be used as a gift. it was meant to be used to better myself. no matter how long it took, i needed to use that time to focus on me. i learned from that very painstakin time, i had always been the type that placed material items, money, other people, my immediate emotions, and employment as stipulations on how they could make me feel at the time. i never gave thought to how after i used em up or had been hurt by em, i would dispose of what ev was left and move onto the next person, place, or thing. it was all about right now! it was all about me! in the days of doin my dirt happiness was to always be found outside of me so i could gain inner happiness; ive learned it doesnt work that way. i learned through recovery and the very hard work of personal inventory that i had always placed these things above me and used em as an HP. and when that faith and trust failed, leavin me hurt within, i reached for alcohol or drugs to take that pain away. my sponsor told me i had to rearrange the priorities in my life if i wanted to have an inner happiness. he said that the inner happiness i sought would come if i placed my priorities in such a manner that God, recovery, and service where the order of priority rather than, self, material, money, and other people. it was a drastic change to how i lived my life throughout. since that early time of learnin ive done what was suggested and today i get to live with the gifts of acceptance, humility, gratitude, community, and self. if ya would have asked me then if i thought these 5 gifts were possible, i would have laughed at ya. today i live with an inner happiness that shines from within outward. sometimes that shit straight blinds my ass its so powerful. ive found that the shit in the big book works, it really works. i no longer waste friends, relationships, opportunities, time, nor myself on the foolishness of thinkin other shit outside of me will make me happy. i have, and keep, a solid relationship with my HP that provides a confidence that blows my mind. with rightfully healthy and balanced positive self-care, my life isnt meaningless and through my personal pains i have found the value of life discoverin a God of my understandin that humbly leads and guides me. 1 day @ a time...