my daily reflections…

it has taken a certain faith to maintain my recovery. if i hadnt seen others makin their recovery work, i dont know if i could have mustered the slight bit of honesty or glimmer of hope that i needed to toss out bits of myself so i could begin my personal venture into faith. early in my recovery, and even into it for several months, i found it impossible to explain what i was seein, feelin, bein directed toward, and usin to maintain my life, but without a reasonable assumption, and much doubt, it became a startin point for me. surely, i was tired and had the feelin that if i didnt try somethin, i was sure to go onto the bitter end. that thought scared me. acceptin me for the shit i had done to the ones who loved me the most, for all the harm i had done to myself, i wasnt sure i could find the self-acceptance needed to move forward with the kind of forgiveness and love i needed to cultivate so i didnt have to go onto the bitter end. i reckon those who have never been to the places ive drug myself to emotionally, psychologically, or spiritually may not understand that, but i do; still today, i get it. i found it hard to even try to believe that there was a lovin God that ever watched over me. i didnt think that if i was to turn to Him, after all i had done, that He would accept me, because i couldnt accept myself. i didnt think that all could, or would, be well with me or within me, here or even, hereafter. recovery showed me, through those who had come in before me that self-acceptance could be had. they taught me how self-respect, no matter how small, could lead me to self-acceptance and vice-versa. they showed me how to be more outgoin, and how to seek friendship by meetin my HP, others, and myself, at least halfway. their sincere desire to help me showed me i could find a way to live comfortably with others and myself. all i had to do was continue to seek honesty, hope, and faith. as i look back today, i see how everythin i had experienced may well have been planned by my HP so i could get to the place i am. self-acceptance is alive and well within me. i have forgiven myself so i can love myself today. i have a positive sense of pride that doesnt lead toward the toxicity of arrogance, prejudice, and violence of my past days, before my recovery began. when i place faith in its proper perspective, with my HP, i am no longer ashamed of my past for it has given me this day. today is the only focus for my recovery, as the real truth is how i live it. with the experience and wisdom of my past, before my recovery and after, i get to live the powers of love, comfort, faith, and joy. with the unity and strength ive been given by those who were in the rooms when i came in, i get to live the spiritual awareness they taught me so i can live with self-acceptance. today, because of the lagniappes of recovery, i know my HP does watch over me, i know i can turn to Him, He is with me, here and hereafter. 1 day @ a time...