my daily reflections…

before my recovery began i had no concept of emotional stability. i ran my life on immediate emotion and tried to control it as my self-will saw fit. i thought i was the one who was to exact perfect justice, mercilessness, and hate because that was what i felt within, and by God, if it was good enough for me, then it was good enough for your ass too. the only one i could let myself depend on was me, and i played God for others and myself knowin that reliance upon self would save the day. well, ya’ll can probably guess what those ideas, morals, thought processes, and philosophies got me. the chips were constantly down for me as i lived my spiritual malady. with lack of good healthy self-esteem, i constantly set myself up for hopeless failure lettin my fears create an ever-deepening inferiority complex i later in life could not get free from. i was never safe from temptation. these are just a small portion of what my personal inventory showed me. harborin and nurturin these negative and very unhealthy emotions only subtly manifested them to worse than the day before. recovery taught me just how spirituality could be fun. how i could enjoy my sobriety today, as long as i dont take myself too seriously. through all the years of feelin myself a failure, and the way those emotions affected my thought, manifestin the behavior of failure, as i hid, sulked, was jealous, carried resentments, and isolated myself from life, then blamed the world for my misfortune, i didnt know i was the one creatin my future life. recovery showed me how to conquer the behaviors that would sabotage my success. showed me how all good things were mine for the askin, even when the chips were down. but first, i had to do the groundwork. it taught me that if i didnt do the work, placin Gods will before mine, all would be wasted effort. before, i didnt want to do the necessary work before hand, it was owed to me without the works. today, i must work hard at my life because life certainly will work hard to get my attention if i dont put forth the effort to set myself up for what life has to offer. lettin go of the old ways of thinkin, the behaviors, beliefs, and thinkin that interfere with nurturin and nourishin the good my HP and recovery have to give me, without subconsciously sabotagin myself because of the shit learned from childhood, i get to release those things for somethin different, somethin better. even if it means fakin it til i make it combinin it with the process of lettin go, while im bein changed at the core, i find i do deserve the good life has to offer me. as i open my heart, by feelin what i feel, becomin vulnerable, honest, and gentle, lettin others live as they may and offerin forgiveness to them and myself, i get to learn gentleness, compassion, understandin, and forgiveness for others and myself as well. when i give my hand, knowin its held by God, and gently run my fingers across each crack, i get to help another and myself heal, because God is there, and i feel it. today i get to give up control without tirrivee, showin an insistent yearnin to enjoy life as i never had before, and detachin from my heartbreakin obsessions that some new miracle of self-control would enable me to do it. with each attempt i get to experience another success. i aint gotta control the outcome today, i just have to accept it. today, i have hope, i have confidence, i am able to accept and forgive, and im able to love my neighbor because i love myself. i understand that dependence upon my HPs perfect justice, forgiveness, and love is healthy, and that it does work where nothing else can. it provides me the emotional health, stability, and balance i need to be effective. is there any better way to carry the message than showin these works? 1 day @ a time...