my daily reflections…

i can recall the fear i had over makin the decision to get sober and try this program of recovery. i knew i didnt or couldnt, go back to it because i feared death even more. it took me time to overcome the fear i had for livin a new way of life that i thought would surely be borin and useless. as i sat in the rooms skeerd of even my own shadow, skeerd of what the future held because of the experience and wisdom of my past, i didnt know what to do, so, i just sat there angry, fearful, and loathsome. watchin and listenin to the experience of others i began to feel that i wasnt alone, after much time, i began to reach out, to talk. the “old timers” came around, they sensed who and what i was without me even sayin a word. they did what the quality of their recovery had taught them to do, they reached out. they gave me hope! and i was surprised how it came to me. i noticed that it didnt matter how long they had been in recovery, for those with various lengths of time had what i wanted. they showed me how their faith and works had made them effective and useful. GAWD how it was evident, GAWD how i wanted what they had! it was then, after much inner debate with myself, that i dared to be different than i had ever been before. though the trail they walked was well worn, it was a new one for me, one where i had to dare to be different than i had ever been before. they offered me, through action, that what lay before me was to be the equivalent of an adventure, a personal journey for me to walk with their help. so, my adventure, one that did not exist because freedom was never truly there, was a path that i had never traveled. fear and excitement filled me. i learned that by simply lettin go my life was meant for lovin and learnin and servin others, not for takin care of myself through my spiritual malady. livin with my negative emotions took too much of my time and energy, and it was time for me to live differently. those “old timers” taught me that when i share my story and remember the last days of my drinkin, i remember the desperation of sellin the last pieces of my soul. it is a story to pass onto others so they may gain the hope and humility i was offered when i came into the rooms for hopefully the final, 1st time. 1 day @ a time...